Remember that song - "This is my life and I'll do what I want" or "I don't care what you say, this is MY life, go ahead with your own life and leave me alone". When I was a kid I would love to sing along to those songs agreeing wholeheartedly that I just wanted to do what I wanted to do and if you couldn't get on board, then its your problem.
Then came "the affair". Yeah, I'm putting this out for all to see-- my dirty little secret. Why even talk about it? Why not write it in my diary and close the page or leave it in the closet, sitting amongs those ugly old shoes I never wear anymore? Because I have something to say. Something to say to you 20 or 30 somethings that think that your life is your own. It's not, oh no.
Let me take you back 17 years ago. I was failing at my second marriage. Big time failing. I was married to a man who loved to tell me that I shouldnt smile - I looked too goofy. That without him in my life I would end up a bag lady with a shopping cart on the street. Yea, you got it...verbal abuse. Didn't really hit me that it was that obvious until my 5 year old told my mother that "daddy is really mean to my mommy".
The day came when I learned that my husband was having casual sex at "massage parlors". A card was dropped on the floor. Some "I make you happy real long time" kind of place. I knew I couldnt dress like a asian hooker for him so instead I withdrew into the happy world of cyber chat rooms. I met this really cool guy and we would talk for hours while my husband was snoring in bed. He lived in Colorado and he was not happy in his marriage (of course). He was married to a woman 15 years older and he wasn't attracted to her anymore. He was attracted to me. To me? Seriously? I hadn't heard that in years so I fell for that line big time.
After a while we made plans to meet. I think subconsiously it was payback time. Tit for Tat time. You screwed me and I will screw him time. You got the idea.
I went to Colorado, leaving my husband and my child in his care saying I needed to get away for a while. No arguments from him, just a wish you would reconsider. He's probably thinking, how am I gonna handle work and a kid? Okay, now, you can just see this coming right? I get to Colorado and meet John and yeah, we have an affair. Lasting like 3 days. He feels guilty, he is a heavy drinker, he is a real jerk. I learned that someone can be a prince on line and in person a real ogre!!! So, I broke it off and sent him back to his wife. But I stayed in Colorado for two more weeks on my own. Which was good because I did so much thinking about what the heck I was doing with an abusive husband and why did I just do what I did? And what will happen now?
I went home practically walking on my head it was hanging down so low. I was so glad to see my daughter. I held her for a long time unable to even talk. My husband was very angry. The name calling started again, but this time he had learned more vocabulary like Whore, Bitch and Slut. Hmmm.. I think he was really mad, but couldn't be sure.
We went to counseling but the name calling continued into the counseling and this marriage counselor just sat there and wrote notes instead of saying 'TIME OUT.....do you always talk to your wife like this?". I walked out. That wasn't working for me.
We went to a counseling session with our church pastor. I wasn't so sure that I wanted to return to that particular church because I'm sure everyone knew about "The Affair" and it was embarrassing. But we went to the counseling session. The pastor was well informed in advance about "The Affair" and obviously was set in his opinion about me because he said "You made your bed, now you have to lay in it". No I don't Mr. Righteous Pants, I can walk out of your self-rightous office and your self-rightous church. Obviously, no one at that church knew about Ms. Saigon's Happy Massage.
Our marriage was over, I suppose it was over a long time before, but the time of death was never pronounced. Paul moved out of the house, and we divorced. Amanda, our daughter, was the most wounded refugee of our war. We arranged custody and Amanda flowed freely to and from our houses. Paul and I have made sure that we lived very close together while Amanda was growing up and that she was always free to stay whereever she wanted. Paul began to be less angry and we became friends. I worked on my shame and can say now that that shame is not entirely gone, but very faded.
I go to a church now that actually supports people who have gone through divorce. I don't have to hide my marital history, although I do get a few raised eyebrows when I say I'm married for the third time.
So, here's what I learned from this sad saga. My life is not my own. I am not an island. I cannot "do what I want" and expect that no one else gets involved. You throw a rock into a pond and you see ripples that go far and wide. So, what I did - it affected me, it affected my husband, my child, my mother, my sister, my friends, my church, my house, my plants my dog....because I was not there, I left and when I left I left a big hole in everyone's lives. Not to mention this lover and his wife and their friends and family, etc. The ripples continued on and on.
The choices we make effect everyone and everything in our world. We may not know until we are in heaven and learn that our life and the choices we make in our life effect even the universe!
You can't wrap sin in a pretty box and bow and justify it somehow. You open the box and its still that nasty sin--whatever it is. Look at it, turn it around, and then realize what it has done to you and to everyone you know or dont' even know. And run......run to God because He has been there all the time. He hasn't liked what He has seen, He hasn't agreed with what He has seen, but He is patient and gracious and merciful. He was there all the time for me. I'm sorry He had to be there and see what He saw in my life, but He still holds me in His arms and I know he is glad that I learned what I did and that I'm back home, back home in Huntington Beach, and back home in His House.
Patti
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